Today was the day for final goodbyes to my dad. I had a dream last night that nobody came to the service except Taylor, the boys and I. Not a great start for the day.
We had a small ceremony at the Columbarium in the Memorial Garden at the church and then the memorial service in the chapel. Several of my dad's friends were there representing different areas of his life and several of my friends also attended as did Taylor's best friend. Many wore gold and black for the Iowa Hawkeyes and in memory of my dad. Both Taylor and I spoke at the service and she did a great job! I know her Papa is proud!
The pastor was impressed that my dad had left behind a 10 page typed packet of notes from many of the years of his life that detailed his most important memories. It is a treasure that I have it. The pastor encouraged all of us to sit down and do something similar as we give thanks this coming week. To leave behind such memoirs is a gift for our loved ones and friends.
I managed to get through my part and thought I would include my tribute to my dad here. As I begin to move forward with life again, I know I will miss him dearly, but I know that he and my mom are together and watching to see what life brings us next.
My dad was a huge sports fan. The Iowa Hawkeyes were his
passion. He followed college sports and loved to banter back and forth with so
many friends and their rival teams. We often scheduled things around when the
Hawks played. He is certainly smiling now with the Hawkeyes being undefeated
and my standing up here in a Hawkeye shirt. Today is an Iowa Game day as well
as my grandfather’s birthday, so it is a fitting day to celebrate my dad’s
life.
This is the second time I have stood up here. When I lost
mom in 2013 it was hard, but since she had gone through the ravages of
Alzheimer’s I had lost her slowly over many years and her passing was more
expected and a release from the bonds of a disease that took her memories and
mind. This time it is much more difficult. Dad was still active and sharp as a
tack. He had recovered very well from his gallbladder surgery and was expected
to only need some physical rehab for a week. Instead he was talking to me one
moment about emailing Chris about stocks and options and gone in an
instant. It has truly been a shock to my
system.
With mom I lost my confidant. With my dad I lost my advisor,
my rock, my hero.
I remember my dad telling me that he felt like he traveled
too much as I grew up. He was afraid that I felt he wasn’t there enough. But I
don’t remember him as always traveling or being gone. He made sure that the
time he was not traveling was family time. I remember looking up and seeing him
cheering me on at the swim meets and at the soccer games when I was a young child
in Ohio. I remember building huge snowmen with him and going sledding and ice
skating. He was my biggest supporter and always cheering at my softball games
when we moved to Atlanta. He came to watch me at football games as I performed
in the marching band. He sat through many concerts through many years as I was
in a couple of bands during high school. I remember going to Hilton Head and
Sanibel. I remember Iowa bowl game trips especially going to the 1982 Rose
Bowl. I remember family vacations whether
on our own to places like Disney World or with other family friends to Mammoth
Caves. I remember election night parties and holiday dinners. I remember him as always being there.
My parents were not huge disciplinarians with me. My dad
told me I was a very good child with only a few months of “drama” when I was
13. If there was ever a time I may have gotten in trouble, my mom would say the
words I dreaded “We will talk about this when your dad gets home” I would have
much preferred the yardstick to be brought out and used than to get the lecture
from my dad. I never wanted to disappoint him….
When I became pregnant with my daughter Taylor, my dad was
looking at property in the mountains that they would move to. He told my mom
“We won’t be that involved in our grandchild’s life” My mom laughed at him and
told him that his granddaughter would have him wrapped around her little finger
as soon as she was born. Boy was my mom right and my dad wrong! Taylor had him
wrapped at first sight. They were an integral part of her life. Once I divorced
and became a single mom, they stepped in and lessened my mommy guilt for
working long hours by picking up Taylor from daycare a few times a week and
having her spend a night a week with them. My dad loved having Taylor around
and delighted in all of her antics. She was one lucky girl to be able to spend
so much time with her grandparents.
My dad also delighted in his first grandson, Bobby. He was
impressed with his Lego creation abilities and loved to wear his Lao Ye Chinese
shirt when we would meet for a meal. He loved that Bobby and I finally found
the prized shell of Sanibel that dad and I had been searching for since our
first visits to the island.
Dad also enjoyed
meeting David and David cheered him on as he got up and walked the first couple
of times after surgery. My dad would smile as David said “Good job Lao Ye!” I
am so sad that my boys did not get more time to spend with such a positive male
role model. My dad would have loved that David shares his love of sports and
would have become his game watching buddy.
As I have received notes about my dad, I am beginning to
realize that while I am very much like my mom, I am also very much like my dad.
I learned from what was modeled, by how his life was lived. My heart for
helping others came not only from my mom, but also I am finding out from my
dad. My desire to help others, but to do so quietly and behind the scenes is
very much like him. Doing my best at
everything I attempt and knowing that we all make mistakes that we can learn
from also comes from him. One time I had to admit to him that I had not
followed one of his life lessons he had tried to teach me. It was harder to
tell him that than the fallout from my not following his advice. He reassured
me that he hadn’t always followed his own advice on that one either and had
made the same mistake. His “fatherly advice” was to just move forward and know
that everyone makes mistakes.
When I decided to adopt a child, I got up the courage to
tell me dad. I wasn’t sure what he would think since I was already a single mom
and older and because I wanted to adopt a child with special needs. I remember
him smiling and saying “This does not surprise me at all. You have the heart
for these kids” He even wrote the family reference letter. When I decided to
adopt one more son he was fully supportive.
My parents both taught me about the joy of adoption by the
way they raised me and told me my story. Adoption was never a taboo subject in
our house as it was for many back in the 60’s and 70’s, rather it was something
that was normal and to be celebrated. I was and will forever be their chosen
one. I am so very grateful and thankful to have been adopted by my parents. I
know how lucky I am. I know that I got the best. I know that my dad was the
best male role model I could ever have had. He was a great teacher of life
lessons and of how to treat others. He gave me a solid foundation to build my
life on and made me the strong person I am today. He gave me the confidence to
be a single mom and to continue to take on challenges. Genetics may be strong
but he proved that the environment can be just as strong if not stronger. He
never considered me his adopted daughter. I was just his daughter and in the
end when I was discussing the validity of some of the things I read about
adopted kids he finally realized I was talking about myself. He said “Oh, you
are talking about yourself. I forget that we adopted you.” Yep, any man can be
a father but it truly takes someone special to be a dad. My dad was very special and I will miss him
greatly
Bye dad, I love you! Give mom a hug from me! Go hawks!
